Growing Up

October 1, 2011

Growing up.

I am growing up, but still have a lot of growing to do. I turn 27 in a couple days and I don’t feel like I should be this old, but at the same time, I feel much older than some others who are actually older than me. Today, I feel comfortable not hanging out with those that are in my age bracket in favor of those in say, my parents age bracket. I am more comfortable with that group. I will spend the next couple days in Beijing with those of my age bracket though, and we will have a good time. In this way, I feel more mature than my 27 years. However, a bad day/week/month on the job has me wanting to run home, my tail between my legs and settle for something less. That’s not very mature of me at all! But my seven year olds made me cry yesterday. That is not a sign that I am enjoying myself here. Is quitting immature, or is it responsible to myself – allowing myself to be happy? I’m not going to quit, but there are definitely days where I wish I could. I have gained a lot of respect for the teachers I had growing up (all of whom I adored). I doubt I will ever make as much of a difference as they did. But, I am still trying and for me, that is enough.

Erin watched class seven for me on Friday. She said it is exactly like what she is experiencing in her class four. She suggested that I try to make the class fun again instead of wanting it disciplined. I do have a couple of boys that are super smart in that class, and I am sure they act up because they are smart. She suggested I put those boys in charge of making sure their team sings the song. She also suggested that I give points for the smallest things in these classes. If someone is doing what they are supposed to, give that team a point and explain it was because this girl (it’s always a girl) did well. I also told both of my bad classes that if it took them 4 days to learn a song again we would have extra lessons until they could prove to me they could sing it. The resident teacher in class ten looked appalled when I said it, so maybe she will work with them more. This week’s song was ridiculously easy. I had a child tell me it was a baby song, but then he didn’t sing along. At first I thought if it’s such a baby song, then why can’t you sing it, but I realized he was probably bored. Children who know they can do something do always need to prove it to the teacher. We will try this next week, and do detention if needed and hope for the best. I’m going to take this week to regroup and think of ways to make those smart kids in charge of the class. I might even try it in my good classes.

I made two kids cry on Thursday. It broke my heart. I asked three boys to stand up because they were talking out of turn (or whatever). Two of them burst into tears. They stood nicely so I let them sit down again as soon as we sang the song once. They sang the next time nicely, so I let them throw the ball for points. I was thinking about it afterwards (I have never made someone cry! and my kids that stand, stand for a long time) and I realized I had never had to discipline in that class. In my three good classes, a warning, maybe two is enough for the kids to be quiet. I rarely have kids standing up in those classes. With a normally great class, I would cry if I was disciplined as well! But it did remind the kids that I am in charge. My good classes are allowed to be out of control a little. On our fourth lesson this week, I replayed all the songs and we sang at random. As long as they sang the song, they were allowed to go crazy in the musical interludes. I demonstrated this for them with each song. We have one song with a great guitar solo and I strum my air guitar like a rock star during it, but when it’s time to sing, I sing and do the appropriate actions. The kids all did the same (maybe not a rock star, but crazy). I like it when we can have classes like that.

I try to focus on my three good classes when I get down like I was yesterday. But, in the end, I don’t have to think about what I will do in their next class, so I don’t have to think about them after school ends. I do have to spend time thinking about my two bad classes. I have to think about how I can change what I am doing and what might work. I have to think about what went wrong, and why those children acted up or can’t sing the song. I think that it is because I have to think about them that they seem to fill my brain. I always feel like I can’t teach because these two classes are stupid, but really, I have more kids that can do anything I ask them to do, and therefore, I must be doing something good right! Of course, you always feel more frustrated by failure than success as well…

We are heading off to Beijing in the morning. We will be back on Friday morning. I am not bringing my laptop with me because I don’t want to carry it, so I will tell you all about it when we get home! We have plans for the wall, the Forbidden City, some winter clothes shopping and some drinking. We have four days there, and three nights. We are taking night trains both directions.

I love you! Thanks for listening to my rants.