Not doing well mentally these days. I am not sure if it's because I am tired, and sick (still -- I am starting to wonder if I am sicker than I am allowing myself to be, or if I caught something that is not a cold, but it only a cough and runny nose....). I was sick to my stomach the other night, but it was over quick and just once. But I do not remember the last time I actually threw up.... That was a fun day.... Anyways, long and the short, I am tired and sick and sick and tired of being sick and tired. I am hoping that my upcoming vacation rejuvenates me, but I am afraid it will not be enough. Depression is coming hard, and in this society, I am unprepared to deal with it. Depression and Ghana do not mix. No one here is depressed. Life is life and it is what it is is and people just deal with it. Even if they sleep on the street, they smile in the morning and go about their day. I am having trouble convincing myself to go to the orphanage right now because it is too much work. The children make me angry so quickly and then I feel bad being there. I have been going less and less lately and it hurts me to do it. I am hoping that some time away is just what the doctor ordered, on all ends of my health.
Part of my problem now is that I leave Ghana in 29 days, and I am unsure I want to fit back into Canadian society. I like the stress free life that every one lives, the slow and no-worries pace that everyone takes. I walked to Market this afternoon and was walking faster than anyone else. I am frustrated with life here and life at home and how different they are and how there can be no changes in either place. I don't know where I belong. I obviously do not belong as the only Oburoni in Ghana, but I don't know where I belong at home anymore either. And the stress that Canada brings, it makes me not want to head back home. But I know that my depression has followed me from home, and I know it awaits me worse back there. I know that some of my problems, that I cannot fix, have followed me, and I want desperately to leave the stress behind for another 29 days. But with each day that passes, I feel more alone, both here and at home. I don't know. I probably shouldn't be sharing this, you will all worry about me now. I will be fine, I always am, I am just struggling. And I am struggling with who and what I am, where I belong, and how to deal with life as I know it.
I know that a lot of the problems in my head come from the overwhelming life in Ghana. If I don't think about it, I can just live in the village, but if I think about life in the village, and all over Ghana, it makes me sad. How can I go home to have so much, when people here do not have a house and are just fine.
Pastor says we are getting new volunteers on Saturday, which is making me reconsider my weekend plans yet again. I might never climb my mountain at this rate! Pastor also says that he wants the volunteers to move back to the original volunteer house, which we vacated for a family gathering several months ago. It is now vacant and Pastor wants us to move, but seems concerned that I will not be happy -- I don't care where we live!
Tattoos yesterday were a bust -- the kids kept touching them and getting them wet. I went down with 67 tattoos and barely got them on the 20 little ones before they were all ruined. I felt so bad, I figured everyone got 2!
Anyways, sorry to bring you down this Tuesday morning. I love you all, despite not knowing where I want to go with my life. And I miss you all desperately
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